[Inhale.] So I've been wondering.
When I was younger, it seemed that I could never be myself. For one reason or another (which we won’t be getting into), I was blessed with but a smidgen of self esteem. It wasn't easy talk about my interests. It wasn't easy to voice an opinion. It wasn't easy to do what I want. In such a twisted way, I was always putting others first and just assuming that they must be right and they must be cool and they must have it all figured out.
I don’t actually know how much of myself I have been able to change in that department in recent time, but at least I have more self awareness than I once did. And I’m able to dissect things. Yes, I am my own science experiment. And it’s painful to cut.
Back on topic.
The thing is that it wasn’t easy for me to be me growing up. But I’m wondering how much of that was growing up and how much of that was the time in which I was growing up.
My developmental years were pre-internet infused. So (and I say this without any anger because it was fucking awesome), I spent a lot of my time alone in the woods. We didn’t have neighbors. I have an older sibling, but as that goes, we didn’t always have shared interests. So, I was solitary. And I’ve grown into a solitary being. And I’m glad for that.
So, alone in the woods. Afraid to even like myself.
So does this day and age, where I can say whatever I want and somehow broadcast it to the world, make it easier for me to feel accepted? I think so. It’s easier to find people with shared interests, shared thoughts. It’s easier to reach out and let them know you’re there. It’s (for the most part) safe. It’s global communication. It’s such a strange network. Because there you are, right now, reading this. And maybe I know you, but maybe I don’t. And if I don’t, I probably never will. But there’s a bond nonetheless.
(I fucking love the word nonetheless.)
But there’s also another part to it. Maybe all second graders feel perpetually rejected (unless you’re that cool kid named Scott or Zack with the dreamy hair). Maybe that’s what you’re supposed to feel. Maybe there’s a reason we’re put through the hell of growing up so that we can do just that.
But the internet… as weird as it is… has definitely made that process a whole lot easier and a whole lot more cathartic for me than it would have been without.