Losing a contest I didn't enter

This may come as an enormous shock both to people who know me and people who don't, but generally speaking, I don't enjoy people. This is a generalization, but not a gross one. I'll specify further. I don't enjoy interacting with people. I enjoy enjoying people from afar. I enjoy people watching and I enjoy eavesdropping and I enjoy listening to banter. The problem is that interactions are just more trouble than they're worth, generally speaking. I hate small talk, I hate chit-chat and above all else, I hate sharing about myself. Mainly because when I'm asked personal questions, it's as a courtesy, not an actual request for information. Also, people don't really care. On top of that, piss off.

Sometimes there's no polite escape though and I'm forced into "conversation." And almost immediately I try to plan my escape. And this is typically the case with people who hold the strong end of the conversation and just need a puppet sitting there they can talk at.

What really super gets my goat is when you say something as simple as, "I'm tired today," and they come back at you with, "You think you're tired? Try getting woken up at 2:30 by the neighbor's mating cats and never getting back to sleep!"

I don't know why people phrase shit like that. So... you're tired too. And you're unpleasant in conversation. And you're hoping I'll have some kind of grand reaction of recognition for you. And I didn't ask in the first place. And I hope you never sleep again.

To these compulsively competitive conversationalists, I say... shut up. Shut the hell up.