Picking up life where I left off

So here's the thing. Life goes on. No matter what happens, it just keeps going. Not to be too morbid, but even if one were to end his/her life, the rest of the world would just keep on turning.

Yes, as I write this, I most definitely am listening to, "This Year," by The Mountain Goats. The refrain is what gets me:

I am going to make it through this year
If it kills me
I am going to make it through this year
If it kills me

I think that's exactly how I felt last year. Except that I didn't have the balls to announce it. I wasn't ready to tell the world that I was going to make it. I wasn't sure that I was going to make it. This year, however, this year, I know I'm going to make it. I know it won't kill me.

 M. Ward and Jenny Lewis at Thalia Hall.

M. Ward and Jenny Lewis at Thalia Hall.

I was out tonight seeing M. Ward playing. A bonus surprise was seeing Jenny Lewis, who I've also long loved. And a feeling washed over me not unlike the feelings I was consistently experiencing when I was in Greece. This is it. I'm doing it. I'm experiencing. So there I was, experiencing. And here I am, experiencing. I guess it doesn't really ever matter what you're doing. Let it be at a concert, making a sandwich, people watching at a cafe, etc. You're doing it. But it's the fact that I have to remind myself to realize that this is my life. And this is what I'm experiencing. And this is me living. Sounds so simple, but often forgotten.

Another thought hit me tonight. I hate to dwell on age. And I hate to dwell on the idea of a significant other. But, when you're getting older, and you don't have a significant other, these thoughts are consistently forefront. There were no men, that I noticed, that were at the show without a woman. There were solo women, but no solo men. What's that about? Venue? Artist? Doesn't really matter, I guess. But I'm human and always wondering if I'll meet an interesting human. Where are these humans?

Long story short. While I'm experiencing my life, what am I passing up? I have friends and family who are home. They are home with their own families, loving, growing, content. And I'm out. I fear a day will come when I'm the sad old maid, out in the world, wondering who's going to go to this or that show with me, only to find out I'm on my own island.

So what do I do? Where do I go?

A large part of me knows I cannot/should not focus on anyone but myself. Because if I'm alone, that's all I have. It's just me right now. It's me. I have to do myself the courtesy of focusing only on me. And the rest will follow. But the rest isn't set. And the rest isn't always what we thought it would be.

Honestly, at this point in my life - I'm 32 - I thought I'd be married (at 27, that seemed the right age), with two children (one at 29, one at 31). But no. I'm here. Alone. Probably jinxing myself by the day. And my soulmate (no complaining on this part) is my nine year old bulldog. He and I are all the other has. But time's going to wear through that relationship sooner than I'd like.

And here I'll be.