It just feels wrong

I was leaving to go to work the other morning. I walk through an alley as a shortcut most mornings. I saw the following sight as I walked by some trash cans: 20130107-174727.jpg

I know, right? It's just one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Someone must have had a bad run. They're throwing out underpants, a VHS of "A Charlie Brown Christmas," a VHS of "Dead Poets Society" and more underpants. I feel like that's just throwing hope out the window, giving up on life.

Either that or for Christmas, this individual received DVDs and new underpants.

Santa sighting 2012

I can't say that I believe in Santa, but I do have respect of the man. It can't be easy having to be holly, jolly 24/7. And lugging around toys for all of the good boys and girls in one trip must be exhausting, especially if you're morbidly obese. I'd like to think his job has gotten easier with technological advances in modern-day toys. Remember when toys were made out of metal and chunks of painted wood? (What fun!) Well at the very least, the cargo weight of Santa's sleigh has decreased with time. Then again, the world's population continues to multiply like rabbits, so that's more items.

I guess Santa's screwed.

Do you think Santa has the option to retire? Is he like the Dread Pirate Roberts or Shamu and easily replaced after 15 years or so? It can't be that hard. We only see him once a year, his features have been cartoon-ized in our memories and he only ever wears the one outfit. Basically, as long as you're fat, have overactive white facial hair and a red suit, you're in. Plus, people tend to do a lot of drinking around the holidays, so he's got us at a bit of a disadvantage there too.

I was out last night. Not too late because I'm a responsible individual. Also, I dislike feeling claustrophobically close to strangers. So, it was a Saturday night and I was nearly home and who did I see? Mr. Claus himself! I know, I was for sure star-struck.

Casual Santa


So I did what any half-believing fan would do. I took a picture! It must have been Santa just out on the town, letting lose with one of his elves, understandably so. We're getting closer and closer to the big day and I bet that big guy slumps down in his oversized La-Z-Boy at the end of every day and says, "Santa needs a hot toddy." It does my heart good to know that Mrs. Claus allows him that time to just go out, let his coat hang open and get sloshed. (I'm sure she trusts that he doesn't use the pick-up line, "Come over here and sit on Santa's lap.")

It took far too long for me to snap this picture - probably because the magic emulating off of him was effecting the technology of my phone - so Santa and his elf were pretty close by the time I had finished. I looked up at him and smiled and he was smiling right back at me. (His gut really does resemble a bowl full of jelly!)

And I said the only thing you can say to Santa Claus, "Merry Christmas!" and then turned and walked away.

Deck the halls

As far as I'm concerned, Christmas songs are fair game for air waves starting the day after Thanksgiving. And so it has begun. Christmas songs are chock-full of personal associations and accompanying memories. They repetitively evoke feelings and mental images year after year. Deck the Halls

  • I'm pretty much on board with any song that features the word, "troll."

Jingle Bells

  • What the hell is a bobtail?

Winter Wonderland

  • I always imagined Parson Brown was a character out of a black and white movie, like Cary Grant of Gregory Peck. Turns out Parson isn't a first name.

Little Drummer Boy

  • LEAST FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG EVER. Do we really have to interrupt every line with a pa-rum-pum-pum-pum? Maybe they should have just written more actual lyrics instead of having a filler inaccurate onomatopoeia.

Carol of the Bells

  • This song will always evoke the strong desire to watch Home Alone. And for that, Macaulay Culkin, I thank you.

Wonderful Christmastime

  • What a holiday monstrosity. It's like the Lamb Chop theme of Christmas.

Mannheim Steamroller's entire collection

  • Barf. That sums it up.