Monopoly Menagerie

Headlines show that Hasbro has announced that the iron Monopoly game piece will be retired. What? This is terrible news!

So in the version we had growing up, purchased in the 80s, we had the iron, top hat, race car, dog, dude on a horse, wheelbarrow, thimble and boot. I typically wanted to be the dog, but that was the most frustrating piece to be, along with the wheelbarrow, because it always fell over when the dice rolled. So, it was just added anxiety for me that my poor little dog was dead. I switched sometimes to the boot because it was pretty awesome and rarely fell over.

But let’s talk about the iron. No, it’s not popular. In fact, it might be the only item on the Monopoly board that I actually find repugnant. It represents a dreaded chore, not to mention, in the imagination of a child, it’s hot to the touch. I would probably prefer the thimble over the iron. But on the plus side, it’s sturdy. Try to knock that bastard over, I dare you.

There’s a sense of history when you play Monopoly. Really? I can purchase property with $60? This must be the past! And what do you have in the past? Top hats, boots and irons!

So how did Hasbro decide to ax the iron? They let the general public run a popularity contest on the tokens. I just don't think that the general public is mature enough to exercise a democracy on board game tokens. That's right, I said it. Clearly poor judgment was shown when the little dog was voted the favorite. Who were they letting vote, 8 year old girls? I mean come on. This is nothing to be taken lightly and clearly those who voted didn't recognize all of the determining factors that go into a successful game token.

I know what some of you must be thinking. "Did you vote?" No. I didn't. So I shouldn't really have a voice in this whole debacle, should I?

It gets worse though.

Do you know what they're replacing the iron with? This was also put to a vote, a popularity contest.

A fucking cat.

(image courtesy of Hasbro)

If you own a cat, are you really playing Monopoly?

Okay. That was harsh. Cat owners are people too. Probably. On a case by case basis.

So there are four problems I see with the cat:

1) It's a cat.

2) It's unstable. Same problem as with the dog. A roll of the dice and Fluffy's going down.

3) The game of Monopoly already had its token animal, so to speak. What are we going to do next? Consider people who like fish or birds and take the thimble out of commission? Monopoly isn't the place for a ridiculous menagerie.

4) It's a cat.

In short, Hasbro should have learned the valuable lesson here to not give the people what they want, but to protect the legacy that is Monopoly. But you know what? I don't think they see it that way, not at all.

What a shame.

Losing a contest I didn't enter

This may come as an enormous shock both to people who know me and people who don't, but generally speaking, I don't enjoy people. This is a generalization, but not a gross one. I'll specify further. I don't enjoy interacting with people. I enjoy enjoying people from afar. I enjoy people watching and I enjoy eavesdropping and I enjoy listening to banter. The problem is that interactions are just more trouble than they're worth, generally speaking. I hate small talk, I hate chit-chat and above all else, I hate sharing about myself. Mainly because when I'm asked personal questions, it's as a courtesy, not an actual request for information. Also, people don't really care. On top of that, piss off.

Sometimes there's no polite escape though and I'm forced into "conversation." And almost immediately I try to plan my escape. And this is typically the case with people who hold the strong end of the conversation and just need a puppet sitting there they can talk at.

What really super gets my goat is when you say something as simple as, "I'm tired today," and they come back at you with, "You think you're tired? Try getting woken up at 2:30 by the neighbor's mating cats and never getting back to sleep!"

I don't know why people phrase shit like that. So... you're tired too. And you're unpleasant in conversation. And you're hoping I'll have some kind of grand reaction of recognition for you. And I didn't ask in the first place. And I hope you never sleep again.

To these compulsively competitive conversationalists, I say... shut up. Shut the hell up.